The story of a boy

Who's Josh?

2007-01-06T15:30:41Z

Instead of typing a load of crap, I might as well c/p a load of crap instead. To explain my feelings yesterday, here's an extract from Tale's wonderful diary:

Its gotten so much worse. Nothing could have prepared me for the Economics lessons, I knew nothing of what was going to happen, and I knew I should have expected anything – but as a result of today, I’ve found myself hopelessly worse than before.

Just glancing at her, second period, a mere glance, and my heart skipped, my mood dropped. I would only look at her out of sheer desire, each time bringing me to the best and only true high on this earth. Though I felt saddened.

I could never explain love, or a sheer liking, in certain situations feeling hopeless can be the greatest feeling, because she’ll always be there to lift you back up. Feeling down, feeling hopeless, those are my emotions right now – but simultaneously I feel so excited, and ecstatic. The thought of her makes my head swirl, it brings me to a place in my mind that can never be revisited, a wonderful jumble of emotions, everything seems different yet interlinked, everything seems so bright and your spirits are just uplifted. Everything seems good.

But in reality, everything isn’t good. It’s obvious she doesn’t even care for me; I’m just one of the hundreds that like her, and now one of the dozen that admits it. To her I’m just another desperate, bleak nobody under the delusion that anything is possible. I feel like a complete idiot by feeling as if making moves, admitting my feelings, attempting to do anything will even spark the slightest smidgeon of a chance between us.

In reality, in the word I’m forced to face in times when looking into the feelings of another is compulsory, there is no such chances. I am deceived by my own hope, completely deceived, there is no hope there. Why would she EVER think of a boy like me?

I hate my Games group, the sporty guys that I share the lesson with never fail to bring the truth crashing down before my eyes, as if bringing my delusional hope into the light and revealing what is truly there. Over boys like them, boys she could whip up within a second, boys that show competence in just the right places, over them, she would never consider someone like me ever. Its not even as if I’m one of those people that find it difficult to socialize, or one of those boys who never goes out to have fun, who couldn’t play any sport to save his life. I’m not like that at all – but up against them, boys who have reputations, skills, experience, I just can’t match them.

It’s just hopeless; she is not an ordinary girl.

But today my feelings escalated within an instant. Just hearing her voice again – although we didn’t speak once – watching the way she moves, the way she acts and talks, it’s enough to drive me to insanity with the despair.

Today before the second Economics lesson, Sam and I were early to arrive – and Kerry’s tutor faces just opposite our class. She came out of her tutor, and began to wait. Not a word was said.

Then the place started to get busy. All the boys, the ones that could stand a chance with her, the ones I tend to misplace when desperately surveying my options and tactics in terms of (and I feel the idea is ridiculous) wooing her, they all began to crowd round talking to her – specifically about the banister they broke round her house on the New Years party.

Unintentionally in amongst all this, Sam and I were kinda squashed up against the window by the crowd (not literally, but little room to move), and Kerry was stood right in front of me.

I caught her scent, her arm touched me as she moved, her back brushed against me, and I stood over, unintentionally, almost protectively. Her voice, her laugh, her movement. It was as if I was sent into a state of panic, my heart was racing ten to a dozen, I barely moved.

I couldn’t stand it, and I moved, pushed past them all to get to Ainsley, as if he were some kind of sanctuary.

Throughout that lesson I said so little, I seemed depressed. I could only think of her, I couldn’t hear a word form miss because I could only think of her. I glanced at her, thinking, knowing that I was gonna write this moment in my diary, I was gonna write this moment in my diary.

And now here’s the weekend, and another two days without her. Without speaking to her. Not that I will anymore anyway, the blooming feelings will progressively rot before the end.

And thats that for yesterday.

Today, well, about three minutes ago I took a look at myspace. I went on Kerry's profile and saw a new guy named 'Josh' in her top friends. I looked at his profile, and she's the first to comment him. In his 'who I'd like to meet' bit is 'Kerry =)'.

Scuse me if I seem to be making irrational assumptions and stuff, but I thought this might be a perfect example of the boys I explained in my diary entry. I'm not jealous, I'm not upset, because I've no idea who this Josh guy is, but you know what I mean I'm sure.

I've written nothing on anything recently, not done anything on my new RPG for weeks.

But I do love my online friends, they're always there for me and I can always talk to them about anything - yes, that means you =).

Thats about it for today, I doubt you expected any less.

2 weeks is never enough

2007-01-02T03:58:59Z

....Hi guys.

I have loads to write about today.

I feel as if this same thing is repeated throughout every, or at least the majority, of my LJ posts, but school is near and the holidays are coming to an end.

Uhhhmm. So last time I was speaking about APPROACHING the mock exams. Well ok, we had those, and I fricken sucked. Got and F in economics. A D in Core Studies. C in Maths. Dunno what I got for English yet, but I'm certain its not an A/B. I got a C in Graphics. A B or C in French, can't really remember. I'm behind on every bit of coursework possibly invented ever in the history of this year in my school. And I'm like the last person to send off a college application form - I havent even done so yet, it was supposed to have been done in like November, and should have been done by January. Wooooops. I probably wont get a college - - -- - -- -- which is like CRAP.

So the last week of school...well, my English teacher has developed a habit of bursting in to tears whenever she mentions the word 'coursework', and what makes it worse is that she keeps returning to the fact of coursework every five seconds. In Economics: KerryKerryKerrryKerryKerry...my mind doesnt stretch further than that in that lesson. In Science: I should live and breathe it but I've forgotted bloody everything. In Graphics: I'M BEHIND =D. In Maths: I'M BEHIND AGAIN =D, and I dont think I'll be entered for the higher paper in the GCSEs either, which will devastate my mum completely. In Core Studies: Umm...yeah... . And in French: ...wait...French...I'm doing well.

Ok, so how does this work? I'm doing WORST at the most IMPORTANT subjects at the moment: English and Maths (screw bloody Economics), but in the subject I couldnt give a crap about, I'm doing well? I'm NOT behind? I'm recieving...COMPLIMENTS??? From my TEACHER??? Well isn't this a screwed up subject matter.

So I'm not touching on school at the moment =).

OK so SECOND subject. My incredibly recent TENDENCY to WRITE certain WORDS in CAPITALS.

I'll stop that now.

Third subject: Christmas Holidays - this subject will tie in many others together so thats why I've strategically put that here. I'm clever arent I.

The holidays began, and thats when my contact seemed to cease. Aside from a single visit by my good, loyal and wonderfully pleasant friend, Sam, my contact with ALL of my friends has been rather scarce. Very scarce. I didnt speak to Maisie, Emma, Suzie, Jodie, nobody. AND, I didnt speak to Fenit, Video, EC, nobody. It was incredibly lonesome yet strangely didn't seem to affect me much.

Christmas Day. I recieved books (Eldest, and a few film-making books), clothes (a wonderfully feminine top that I love), Vouchers (for CDs, and also a top up for my phone), Gwen Stefani's new album, sweets (a bucket full, which I ate within four days), and jewellery (rings, necklaces and bracelets - I now have a large pile of jewellery). I'm quite pleased with the haul, a very nice day as well, my uncle came over and the more I think about it the more I want it to be Christmas again - nobody should EVER EVER EVER waste that day. After Christmas came a long line of family visits. Uncles, Aunts, cousins everywhere. We stayed in Salisbury for two days to visit my relatives up there, and that was until this Sunday - New Years Eve. The night before, before I continue, was when Maisie and Emma texted me to make contact, and I finally began to speak to them again.

Ok, New Years Eve. I've told this story loads already, so you'll be bored to tears if this is the second time you've heard it.

On this day, I dressed up in my nice clothes, my new top (the femenine one) and jeans, adorned some jewellery (rings, neclace, bracelets), and tried my new aftershave for the first time (smells gorgeous). My hair, as it grows longer, has developed a tendency to curl like blooming mad at the back, moreso than it ever has done, and it did this today. I straightened my fringe, and left the back really curly, and I really liked how it turned out.

I did all this because we were having a party of course! My relatives were coming over (three cousins, aunt and uncle) and we were spending the New Year together. During this night, I consumed the most alcohol I've ever consumed at one time, and by the end had drunk five units of alcohol -- AND I WASN'T AT ALL DRUNK, or even tipsy, I was well chuffed.

Anyway, big news.

So as midnight approached, I was pondering over something. Fifteen minutes later we were jumping about singing 'Auld Lang Syne' which I dont even know the words to so I just kind of did that thing were you shout the notes.

Anyway, after that, I got my phone, and did something stupid. I composes a text message! *DUN DUN DUN*

Yeah, I was told that it was a stupid way to tell someone, but for the past few months, the only piece of advice I got from everybody was to 'tell her' 'tell her'. So I was going to, as a start to the new year.

Thing is, I composed the text, and I just sat there reading it:

'I just wanted to tell you that if there was anyone I want to be spending this moment with right now, its you'.

It took me twenty minutes, while being incessantly urged by my brother and my cousin Makaela, to send the message, and once I did - I made a big mistake. Kerry didnt have my number then, so she'd have no idea - theoretically - who the text message was from. Once that hit me, it hit me that she'd call to find out.

I said to Makaela 'What do I do if she calls??' in a state of panic, and she told me to ignore it. So when my phone rang ten minuted later, I didnt even bother looking at it, I just ignored it. Cept my uncle heard the phone, and pointed it out to me. I told him I was ignoring it - my whole family disagreed with that and insisted that I answer next time she called.

So I went to a private room, and she did call again. I stared at the phone for a few seconds, panicking like hell, then I just answered. I went into auto pilot as the sound of her voice reached my ears, and I said 'Hello?' as if I wasn't expecting it. She said 'Hello, who's this?' I tried to think of something, I couldnt tell her, not after so long of keeping it in. To bide me time, I acted as if I had a bad signal (cliche or what) and said 'What?' She repeated 'Who's this?' That wasn't enough time, and I could only answer to save myself from digging a deeper hole. 'It's Ollie' I replied, 'Ollie who?' She said. As if she didnt know. 'Bradley,' I replied shortly. 'Oh hi!' She said, like she would normally, 'Hi!' I replied.

'I got your message,' she said, her voice casual and impossible to read, 'Oh right,' I replied shortly, 'Thank you, I appreciate it.' Well that was just shit, 'That's ok' I replied shortly. In an attempt to rectify my stupid short replies, I made idle conversation - yeah, how incredibly stupid - 'Are you having fun?' I said, as if neither of us could actually find the MEANING to what I texted her, 'Yes I am thank you, are you?' 'Yeah, thanks,'. There was either a pause, or a point where we both spoke simultaneously, and she said 'Ok, I have to go, thank you for your message,' 'Ok, thats ok,' I replied SHORTLY. 'Happy new year!' she said, 'Happy new year!' I replied.

And that was pretty much the extent. I put the phone down and stared at it again, just as I was before it rang. Although it could have been worse, that was possibly the second to worst conversation, not only in terms of communication, but in terms of what I had just admitted, possible.

As I texted Emma to say happy new year, I told her I had something to tell her. It was then when it dawned on me - Kerry is leading me on.

If Kerry acted just like she does usually, just after I had admitted my feelings to her, does that mean that 'normally' wasn't actually 'normally' at all. I always thought she knew since the summer, or detected some kind of attraction. If she acted 'normally' while knowing that I liked her, then of course she's gonna act the same when I just affirm the fact that I like her.

When she asked me to the prom, she said 'Why aren't I your prom date, Ollie?' as if she expected me to have asked her. I mean, she had to have known, its not that hard to figure out.

So if she's acting the way she usually does, then she knows I like her, but is doing nothing about it. I was speaking to James about it - she has given NO signs whatsoever, no signs of rejection, and no signs of returning the feelings. She's doing nothing, as if she couldnt care less if I carry on or not.

But she confirms that I'm going to the prom with her every now and then. Three times now she's asked the question 'we're still going to the prom together, aren't we?'. That means she's confirming that I still like her, right? This is going from the assumption that she knows, which is highly hihgly likely.

If this is the case, then she wants it to happen obviously. But she's not interested - and why would she be?

Kerry is not one of the normal school girls. If a boy asks me who I'm going to the prom with, and I say 'Kerry' their reaction is 'What? Really? Are you sure she's not leading you on?'

Normally, in school times, a girl like Kerry would never go to the prom with a boy like me, never. But she is. And after New Years, it seems apparent that she is doing it for some reason OTHER than the fact that she could possibly share the same feelings.

But thats whats riling me. I dont know what. She can't use me for anything, I've got nothing to give. I've never mentioned being rich, I've confirmed to her that she's richer than me - which rules out her wanting a fancy transport, or fancy dress or something, from me. I know of nobody else who wants to go to the prom with me, nobody who she'd want to make jealous, who she even keeps in contact with.

Altough. Now that I think about it, perhaps its Ainsley. I thought at first that it can't be Ainsley, because we've had conversations about Ainsley, and she SEEMS to be uninterested in him. Kerry knows that Ainsley wasn't happy when she said she'd choose me over him last summer (which started off this rivalry between me and him), and maybe thats why she asked me to the prom.

I dont know if I've already stated at some point, but Kerry is all over Ainsley. Jealousy is a sin, but it's impossible to dismiss when she's calling out his name constantly, asking him to visit, asking him to walk her home and take a detour, when I walk exactly the same route as her and she doesnt even consider me.

Thats got to be it. Kerry's doing it to make Ainsley jealous, to make Ainsley try to win her over and take her for himself.

But Ainsley is on my side, he's an amazing friend. He knows about me and Kerry, and he tries his hardest to refrain from flirtatious motions, he tries to include me in his visits to her house. He never used to, but now he knows, he does. And most of all, Ainsley has made it clear that he doesnt want any kind of relatioship.

Maybe I should make this clear to Kerry, somehow. Then she'll finally be done with it, and she'll probably just forget about me, and finally the confusion will stop.

Ok, that took an hour and a half to write. Ummm...yeah, if you made it this far, you're fricken brave I can tell you. I'll enter tomorrow when I found out what Kerry said to Emma when she told her about my message. Thank you for reading =).

BYE!

0otaleo0 @ 2006-11-27T19:18:00

2006-11-27T19:18:45Z

Grr...mock exams. This is the big practice bit for the main thing, the last thing before school is finally over. Yeah its only practice and all that, but I'm pretty sure its the best bit of practice we're gonna get. There are a few tests in these mocks that determine the papers I'll take in the real thing, too, so I'm a little stressed out.

I had the maths paper today, and I did complete shit in it. I revised and stuff, but I hardly put any of that knowledge into the test at all, which really does suck as its now affected my mark greatly. I have the second and last maths paper tomorrow, as well as English, so it will all be over with soon. Except after that is my French, and I am NOT looking forward to having to reel off a page and a half of memorised French as well as attempt to hold a decent French conversation for ten minutes. Apparently Modern Laguage tests are the hardest next to Psychology (a fact which has made me swiftly reconsider taking that course). I hate it so much.

So thats scoool. There's loads more with it, but it takes too long and I have more interesting stories.

Online, my writing has been going bad, if even going at all. I've written nothing in the past two weeks (yes that includes the battle) and I doubt I'll get much done either. SPPF is annoying the shit out of me with the members and crap, and I'm finding myself easily irritated by certain aspects and members. BIG surprise that BW has got no reviews since Knightblazer - ever so thankful for the reviews by Kiyohime and Sike and Isfahan though, they reviewed teice already. I've requested a review - and that was a few weeks ago now, so theres not much hope of that turning up. Seems there's something about the 'flowery' beginning that people seem to hate, must be driving people away. Still, I've planned too much to just leave BW now, I'm actually gonna continue.

NOOOWWW. I had the best day ever on Friday, it really was so memorable.

It started off, I think, rather average, with rather pessemistic prospects to boot - and by the end of first period, English, Maisie had some news for me.

Now theres this girl, I dont know if I mentioned her before, named Beth. She wanted my number at this firework display, and I gave it to her because I was a little scared and confused and stuffs. Anyway, since then she was speaking to me on msn for weeks, and she told me that she really liked me and that she wanted to meet me again, and that she wanted to be in a relationship with me. I wasn't that keen on her to start with, but knowing how rejection feels, I didnt say anything to her. Anyway, a few weeks in, I told her that I couldn't hook up with her or anything because I really liked Kerry. She was upset, but supportive as long as I was happy, and it wasnt long before she asked for Kerry's msn adress. There was this muddle invovling Sam and I, and he ended up ginving her the adress accidentally, which really got me worried - do bear in mind I haven't told Kerry a thing about how I feel for all this time. And I just gave her adress to a girl I rejected for her. Bad move I think.

Anyway, this Friday, Maisie wanted to talk to me. And based Beth and Kerry's msn screen names, she told me that she suspected that Beth had said something to Kerry, and judging from what their screen names said (they were linked), it was certainly very suspicious. Anyway, yeah, I got worried.

So it was no surprise to me that Kerry started acting differently, and in Economics, she invited me to revise with her and Pariess for the Economics test during lesson. She was speaking to me throughout, and this in no way is necessarily a good thing, because its not uncommon for girls like her to 'lead you on' meaning act as if they're interested when they're not. But yeah, I also walked home with her and Emma, and I really felt so nice about it, because I was in the company of Kerry, all the way home.

When I got home, Kerry also spoke to me on msn, and she never usually does, I am always the one who begins any conversation. But she did this time, she actually spoke to me, and I was very happy and very shocked.

Anyway, there's more to this story, but I can't write anymore because I'm bored.

Byebye.

0otaleo0 @ 2006-11-18T01:21:00

2006-11-18T01:21:32Z

Create your own friendquiz here

0otaleo0 @ 2006-10-31T23:30:00

2006-10-31T23:30:03Z

You'll never guess what...

Given up?

Ok I'll tell you...

I haven't updated in over a MONTH. WHOAOA. I mean blimey, thats like, four weeks! Over four weeks! How could ANYONE survive THAT long without reading about my ever so interesting life? Incase you didnt notice, that last line was dripping with sarcasm. Needed to let you know that so you didnt think that I was really that stuck up. Well you could think that anyway. But I'm not. Am I?

Anyway, I wonder what I could start with, because you KNOW this post is gonna be long. You know it.

Might as well get the crappy subject out of the way first. So I have mock exams coming up in like three weeks time. How suckish is that. Worst part is I can't find anyone who is lacking in confidence as much as I am. Mention the mocks and with other people its like 'Whoo! Suspended timetable'. I'm all like quivering in my furry boots, I'm well fricken scared it defies belief. I'm like crap at maths, behind on every subject, preoccupied, and loads of other stuff that I wont go in to for fear of plunging into depression after mentioning it all again. So yeah, how stupid's that. I'm sure the same is happening for EC and PArts right now as well. GOOD LUCK GUYS, YOU'RE BOTH GENIARSES!

So thats out of the way. I have a very big story to tell you of how I messed up my relationship with Maisie - who is my best friend by the way for those of you who have forgotten. But that story can wait until another entry because it takes too long D=.

So I was asked to the prom by KERRY, those few weeks ago and since then I'd heard rumours that she was actually going with her friends, and not with a date. I got all sad over that and stuff - failed to mention it to anyone who didn't hear from other people, and of course that means my online friends mainly. Anyway, I was very happy today to hear from her own mouth that she still intended on going with me, and she was making sure I'd not replaced her with anyone. Which is great - had I posted a few days ago, I'd probably be all depressed or something. In the end it boils down to this one thing: Kerry is a very appealing, very attractive girl with a PERSONALITY that I adore - hell no I'm not shallow, damn it. I had a really good time today in my economics classes because she was there. I still need to get Ainsley to take me to her house (simply because me turning up on her doorstep without him would so not be cool right now...yeah, streetwise, me).

Poor Sam though. Right, Sam, who is a really good friend of mine, and aside from Ainsley, is my best male friend, has rather apparent yet concealed feelings towards Suzie - who, in case you have forgotten, is one of my really close girl friends, which consist of her, Maisie, Emma and Jodie. Anyway, because I'm so close to Suzie, Sam asked me earlier this year to ask her to the prom for him. He never admitted feelings for her or anything, but its kind of obvious, he was so desperate and eager to go with her, and it was so easy to tell that he liked her. Those two have a history by the way, their families were close so they grew up together - still, that had little impact on Suzie's reaction, which, after as much pursuasion as I could possibly muster, was a 'no'.

Now I couldn't tell this to Sam, and I didnt say this to Sam. In fact, I think it was Lucy, who is someone I'll probably talk about later, who broke the news to him softly saying 'Suzie wants to go with friends', but I'm not sure. Anyway, he stopped hankering after a while.

Anyway, the point is, Sam has been really nice to me over the past few weeks, I really feel respected by him. Today though, Suzie joined me in a workshop for Core Studies which Sam was also attending, and it was under his watchful eye that she suddenly got all playful and crap around me, calling out my name and leaning on me and stuff. I felt SOO fricken bad for Sam, he was right there, he was watching it all. I dont know how much he likes Suzie, of course I'm not certain that he even like her at all (but I'm sure), but the fact that he knows that I get to see her every day, and I get to talk to her or go out with her whenever I want without fuss or suspicion, and then seeing something like that must hurt him badly. What am I supposed to do? I dont want Sam to feel heart-broken.

Random bit of thing I needed to say for advise or whatever. I really feel bad for him though.

To randomly end this though, cause I'm getting tired, Kerry's friend Pariess asked me out (like relationship) two weeks ago. For various reasons (even though I'm slightly attracted to her - especially her want for love), I turned her down because of my own love life and because moments before she was telling me how she loved this boy who didnt love her back. I felt bad for her as well. I'm feeling bad for a lot of people at the moment, seriously.

Anyway, I'll leave it at that. I'll be entering more hopefully at some point. 'K bye.

0otaleo0 @ 2006-09-15T23:12:00

2006-09-15T22:12:21Z

Big news, one sentence:

Kerry asked me to the prom.

0otaleo0 @ 2006-09-14T21:50:00

2006-09-14T21:28:10Z

So!

Today was indeed a pretty cool day. This morning, as me, my little brother and my mother were getting ready for work and school, it started to rain. Then it started to rain more. Then it started to rain a lot. Then it started to rain a lot more. The rain fell down like a sheet, the droplets were as thick as custard and the noise emitting from my conservatory roof drowned out my cat's mews as she begged me to stop the rain so she could go out. It was a pretty freakish rainstorm, and it didn't remit when we were set and ready to depart.

So yeah, anyway, we went to the car, and got soaked. It was like two meters away. Then the windows started steaming up, and my mother was practically driving the car while blind. We dropped my borther off, and he scarpered to his school, and I gave the lollipop man a look of sympathy before we drove off...poor guy probably didn't make it out of the rain alive...*sniff*

So then I got to my school, and the rain was still coming down thick and fast. Belive me, this was heavy rain, beyon terrential. I kissed my mum goodbye, and ran for the school. I was getting drenched, my trousers were sodden. As I entered the gates, shrieks could be heard from the school grounds as pupils braved the rain to get to their tutor groups. Luckily for me, mine was in the same building.

As I climbed the stairs, the next floor was the slipperiest floor I've ever come across in my life. My pace was steady and controlled as I neared the stairs leading to tutor. My heart was racing, if I slipped, only a little, a similar fate would befall my pride. But I survived. And I managed to clamber up to tutor.

The room was scarcely populated, and my friends Mike and Sam...they were almost drowned...

0k, enough drama. So we were in tutor, and miss was gobsmacked at how soaked Sam and Mike were (they were wringing their socks to form puddles on the floor), then Jamie (a friend of theirs) walked in saying how he was able to go home, and that Mike could go home if he liked also. He explained to Miss that the school was allowing pupils to go home to dry off, then return later when they were dry to finish the day. Miss was only letting Mike and Sam go when an office assistant walked in to the room to varify what Jamie had said, and that only those who were extremely wet could go home.

I chose to stay in anyway, I was kinda looking forward to the day, especially if most of the school were going home - call me a sadass, but when the school is empty, its appeal increases quite a bit.

So those who remained behind were told to stay in tutor until the rain died down, as the school was a little too dangerous to traverse at that point. So I was about to join Darrel on a computer, when I suddenly spotted Emma at our tutor doorway, and she beckoned for me to leave tutor. I wasn't really all that wet, but I felt compelled to leave now that she was there to retrieve me.

I told miss that I thought I should go home, and though she was unsure about it, I managed to sway her and escape from tutor. Everyone was waiting outside the tutor, Maisie, Suzie, Jodie and Amy, so I felt really wanted, as you can imagine. We all planned to go round Maisies, which we did.

Then we got a message from India, and she told us that the school had been closed, and that we could all stay out for fire regulation purposes. So we were all extremely happy, and I told my mum and everything. Then she got a message from a patrolling teacher saying that they now wanted the students back - which was ridiculous. So of course, nobody went back.

I went home at about 12:00 with Emma and Suzie.

So thats what happened today. I played Oblivion, wrote a tiny bit, and made a little film of my brother preparing a fruit salad (which was hilarious).

In other news, Emma asked me to the prom, and I accepted. Then, despite her reluctance beforehand, Maisie showed interest in going, and Suzie, so now I feel guilty because they have no one to go with. Well, Suzie has plenty of options really, but she's choosy. But the prom is like, not until the end of the year, so you know, loads can happen. I got on good terms with my Graphics teacher by staying behind for the past few days to do workshops, and I may have avoided a detention. English tomorrow is replaced by PE, so no worries involving coursework, and the Economics lesson tomorrow that I can't handle with Mr. Ironmonger is replaced by assembly, so I'm really quite pleased about tomorrow all in all. After school, I'll be going to Maisie's to watch a film with popcorn and stuff, which should be barrels of fun.

I've made progress on my fic that nobody knows about after I was hit with major inspiration before bed time the day before yesterday. I am now sure that I'll get this fic posted and everything, so thats pretty cool. I haven't made progress on reviewing or reading, or posting in Myuu's RPG, simply because I'm rarely on the forums lately, and I am preoccupied, so yeah. Sorry to Fenit and Video, at the moment. I suck with reviews, I do honestly.

I havent spoken to people on AIM in a while, and the conversations between Fenit and I are short, but thats 'cos he's a little rushed off his feet at the moment =(. Final years are really tough.

I read Josh's journal for no apparent reason, and I got this cool question thing that has to be spread around my LJ friends.

So you gotta reply answering this question, then you put it in your LJ and people reply to you and so on:

What memories do you have of me?

Something like that. So answer =D.

That should be about it. Thanks for reading!

Bye!

0otaleo0 @ 2006-09-12T17:30:00

2006-09-12T16:37:26Z

My Personality


Neuroticism	41
Extraversion	34
Openness To Experience	67
Agreeableness	98
Conscientiousness	22

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Neuroticism:
Stressful and frustrating situations can sometimes be upsetting to you, but you are often able to get over these feelings and cope with these situations. You are generally calm, although some situations can make you feel anxious or tense. You rarely get angry and it takes a lot to make you angry. Mostly your emotions are on an even keel and you do not get depressed easily. You do not feel nervous in social situations, and have a good impression of what others think of you. You often resist any cravings or urges that you have, but sometimes you give in. You experience panic, confusion, and helplessness when under pressure or stress

Extraversion:
You are neither a subdued loner nor a jovial chatterbox. You enjoy time with others but also time alone. You generally make friends easily enough although you mostly don't go out of your way to demonstrate positive feelings toward others. You tend to feel overwhelmed by, and therefore actively avoid, large crowds. You often need privacy and time for yourself. You tend not to talk much and prefer to let others control the activities of groups. You lead a leisurely and relaxed life. You would prefer to sit back and smell the roses than indulge in high energy activities. You love bright lights and hustle and bustle. You are likely to take risks and seek thrills. You have a generally cheerful

Openness To Experience
A desire for tradition does not prevent you from trying new things. Your thinking is neither simple nor complex. To others you appear to be a well-educated person but not an intellectual. You are a moderately imaginative person who enjoys a good balance between the real world and fantasy. You are reasonably interested in the arts but are not totally absorbed by them. Generally you are not considered to be an emotional person, however you are aware of and in touch with your emotions. You are eager to try new activities, travel to foreign lands, and experience different things. You find familiarity and routine boring, and will take a new route home just because it is different. You prefer dealing with either people or things rather than ideas. You regard intellectual exercises as a waste of your time. Often you exhibit a readiness to challenge authority, convention, and traditional values. Sometimes you feel a certain degree of hostility toward rules and perhaps even enjoy ambiguity.

Agreeableness
You have a strong interest in others' needs and well-being. You are pleasant, sympathetic, and cooperative. You naturally assume that most people are fair, honest, and have good intentions. You see no need for pretense or manipulation when dealing with others and are therefore candid, frank and sincere. People find it relatively easy to relate to you. You find helping other people genuinely rewarding and are generally willing to assist those who are in need. You find that doing things for others is a form of self-fulfillment rather than self-sacrifice. You dislike confrontations and are perfectly willing to compromise or to deny your own needs in order to get along with others. You do not like to claim that you are better than other people, and generally shy from talking yourself up. You are tenderhearted and compassionate, feeling the pain of others vicariously and are easily moved to pity.

That is one big quiz. Got that off Patty, THANKS PATTY =D.

So I'm 98% agreeable. I think thats pretty damn awesome, so if you want someone to agree with you, come to me! =).

That takes up a lot of space, so I'll be short in this post.

Didn't really need to complete the essays, teacher isn't that bothered. COMPLETELY overworked by all my subjects, I'm struggling with Graphics and Economics especially, and I'm beginning to fall behind in Maths. My friends are great, and I think I might be telling Kerry that I like her soon. I'll post tomorrow or something, after I get this French speech over with. Oh yeah, I'm dreading French as well, I'm crap at that also.

I've written nothing. I've been away from SPPF for ages. I haven't posted in the RPG Myuu created for ages, I'll have to write something soon. And I have been playing the Sims 2 a lot.

I haven't spoken on AIM in a while. I might be plunging in to depression because of the intensity of school at the moment, and I have been eating way too many sweets lately.

Thats all I got today. Sorry to those I haven't communicated with in a while, I've been so bogged down, and this time I mean it.

Bye!

0otaleo0 @ 2006-09-05T18:01:00

2006-09-05T18:22:08Z

So the first day is over.

After leaving LJ, and my conversation with P/Arts, I went to sort things out before I left. My hair was done, and I liked how it turned out today, and my bag was completely ready, I had my dinner money and my phone and keys were with me; the only thing that stopped me from leaving was my own anxiety.

I planned to leave at eleven, and it was about ten to eleven, so I watched the music channel for a while. After Queen had finished 'Radio Ga Ga', I swallowed my fear and left the house, not of course, without worrying if I left any windows open, or any electrical appliance on.

As I walked, I saw many other year 11s and year 10s walking to school, either with friends or alone, and I began to feel a bit nervous. I saw and greeted Darrel on the way, a friend in my class. When I arrived, I met Chantelle, and the two of us walked to Lucy, Jaz and Becky. I didn't say much, I was still a bit anxious, but thats when my confidence grew.

In tutor, after I was back in to the routine of things, and I met up with all my friends, I finally relaxed, and I got my timetable. It looks as if Friday is going to be my best day, with PE/Engliash, Graphics and double Economics. I enjoy them, despite my little dilemmas, so I should like that day.

Tomorrow, I have French, Science, Maths and Core Studies...or Games, one of the two. So right now I'm completing my French homework before I go to lesson tomorrow.

Ok, big news:

I made progress on an essay. Its only a little, so far at least, but I think I might be able to get the two of them in by Thurday/Friday. I dont know what's pushed me to actually begin homework.

Actually, I think it might have to do with getting back in to the swing of things. Now I've gone back to school for half a day, my working-head has been screwed back on, and I'm now prepared to do something for school.

I had Science today, and recieved my marks for my most recent test: A for Biology, B for Chemistry and B for Physics. Along with my other results, thats three Bs, five As and one A*, which I am very very proud of. Thats all the Triple science module exams over with now, and now we have to focus on Coursework, and nine units that must be put to use in my final Terminal Exam. Thats next summer.

That lesson was ok, even if Maisie chose not to sit next to me.

While I'm on that subject, I certainly did realise that Maisie was still in her mood with me. I still dont know what it is, and the worst part: I think she told Emma.

Break today, I saw her in the dining hall (a new dining hall, where only Year 11s are allowed during second break - it has a widescreen TV!!), along with the rest of my friends. I'd manage to spot Tom in the que for food, and I began to talk to him (Tom was one of the two boys who I went out with twice in the holidays). In doing this, I decided to stay with Tom, and sit with Tom, and pretend not to notice my group of friends at all, even though Jodie had spoken to me in the que. I wanted to see if anyone would call me over, Maisie in particular, and it turned out that nobody did. I felt wonderful, as you can imagine...

So I left the building alone, after they left of course, and I went to the place we usually hang out. They were all there, and Maisie actually said 'hi' this time. I joined her and Emma, and Emma wasn't as giggly or happy as she usually was. She didn't talk much to me at all.

Tutor period arrived soon after break, and I had triple science after that. Like I said, Maisie didn't sit next to me, but sat next to Dalia instead. I set next to Ann-Marie as a consequence. When the lesson was over, and Maisie left, she left without me completely. And waited for Jodie (a different Jodie) instead of me and they both walked ahead. So I caught up with them, and asked Maisie if I could walk home with her, and she said yes.

Thats when I asked her, 'You didn't tell Emma did you?' And she replies 'Well you said you didn't care, and she's with Dean so she doesn't care either'. Just so you know, she brought up my 'dream' in front of Jodie yesterday, and I said 'I dont care' in an attempt to make it seem like it was nothing - and it worked. So I was all like '****!' and I began to slow down. Then she suddenly said 'I didn't really' and began to say how she thought I wouldn't like it if she did.

I dont know though, she wasn't very convincing, especially seeing as she was in one of her moods, and wouldn't make a joke at that time.

Anyway, when I got home (after eating my first Cherry Brandy ice lolly that my uncle bought me, whcih was AMAZINGLY DELICIOUS!), I went on MSN, and Maisie was really quite hostile, and provoking. So I decided to do something about it, and I began to act all small towards her words, and unimportant. When she struck up a new argument, I just said 'ok, your choice, you win' and when she had a go at me after she thought I was being sarcastic when I congratulated her on her A*, I said 'sorry, I wasn't being sarcastic, I was congratulating you'. Stuff like that.

And it seemed to work. She began to act like she usually does, and when she said bye, she even put the little kisses that she usually puts. And she invited me to go shopping with her and Jodie tomorrow. So I'm finally happy - except for the whole Emma thing, of course.

Her hair was really nice today...

I was right, it was a lie. Natalie, my ex-girlfriend, isn't coming to Priory at all. I got my hopes up for nothing, I guess. Though, I had expected to dislike what I saw if she was to arrive in Priory, apparently she's gone downhill a little since I last saw her. Oh well.

So I'd better get and do my French homework. Thank you to everyone who gave me support today, I really appreciate your help and concern, it really helped.

Ok, BYE!

0otaleo0 @ 2006-09-05T09:40:00

2006-09-05T09:03:33Z

I. Am. So scared.

So it's an hour before I'm due to leave for school, the year 11s go in for only half of the day for some reason, and theres only one thing surging through my mind: dread. Yesterday I had a headache the size of a necleur explosion, and I got hardly any sleep. I've done NO homework whatsoever, no French, no Economics, no English (nope, still not completed any essays), no Science and no Maths. Nothing.

The things I dread are: the reactions of the teachers when they realise I've done nothing. I've mustered up enough enthusiasm to battle against it over these past few weeks, but now I'm here, I'm as weak as my pet hamster - who's dead. I'm dreading the first lesson, which is apparently science. Our Triple Science teacher doesn't hold back, it may be the first lesson back, but that doesn't mean she won't dump the largest amount of work any lesson can ever provide on our desks. I'm dreading English, simply because I've done no homework, no essays, and I've yet to complete a character fact file for 'Of Mice and Men'. I'm dreading Economics because I made no work towards studying why two of these airlines went bankrupt after 9/11, which is simply because I dont even UNDERSTAND it. Economic terms are used on every fricken site I look it up on, and well, considering we've only STARTED Economics, I've not the slightest idea of what they're talking about. I'm dreading Maths, because I'm probably the slowest person with my coursework, and while everyone is beginning to finish the first ever project we worked on, I'm hardly half way through. I'm dreading Graphics because we have a new teacher, a new, unenthusiastic, uncaring, miserable teacher that will ruin the whole lesson - usually, I would be looking forward to it, but our previous teacher got pregnant and left. I'm dreading French because our teacher has expected us to listen to French people over the holidays. Yeah, we live in England, and we have to listen to French people. Ok then, right, because thats not a problem when you live in a completely different country. Oh, and of course, she's expecting us to make French the most important lesson of the year, just like how EVERY OTHER TEACHER WANTS THEIRS TO REIGN SUPERIOR. Detentions are inevitable, I've avoided them up till now, but now, they're unavoidable.

So why have I now, of all the time approaching this first day, decided to make my overwhelming anxiety known on LJ? Because before, if you remember, I had went on and on about how I could always think about my friends, then I wouldn't care about today. Well guess what, thats gone KAPUT now.

Because for some reason, Maisie has developed a disliking towards me. She's become distant, callous, ignorant, uninterested and overall just plain mean. I have no idea what is going on. There was a time, a few days ago in fact, where I could easily say 'Maisie is my best friend' and feel completely confident in stating those words. But now, for some reason, she doesn't like me.

Yesterday, conversation was difficult and forced. When Emma arrived, and the three of us were supposed to watch Moulin Rouge together, Maisie pulled out her laptop mid-film and began playing a trampolining game with Emma. As my favourite part of the film approached (El Tango De Roxanne), and Emma stated that it was my favourite part, Maisie began to make disruptive noises with Emma, despite the fact Emma herself said that they should both watch that bit. I remained quiet for most of the time, rejected completely by both of them, and when I left early, and Emma remained behind, I walked home with one certainty: Maisie was going to tell her about my dream.

Remember what I said yesterday? I only need to be on the bad side of Maisie, while Emma remains on the good side for her to spill the beans. Today, I'll be in our group, feeling awkward and rejected, because when Maisie holds a grudge, she holds a grudge. I dont know what for though.

So at the moment my situation is as follows, friends: Poor, School: Poor, Writing: Disrupted and halted by school, Family: Normal, mother is depressed about work, it spreads throughout the whole household.

I started my dream journal today. I remembered the last dream before I woke up: watching my ex-girlfriend speakin in a video on youtube. I dreamed this, because she is supposed to be returning to Portsmouth today, and should be in Priory, though its not certain. I'm looking forward to the prospect of her return, for some reason. So do you think that she will actually return, baring in mind it would make me slightly happier?

In that case, of course she won't.

0otaleo0 @ 2006-09-03T23:27:00

2006-09-03T23:08:32Z

ARRRRGGGGHHH!

So today started off like all good and everything, then it went a little bit bad, then it picked up again in the evening, and now its gone all bad again.

I STILL haven't written any essays, and I have a day left. School starts on Teusday, and I still haven't written any of them. Of course, this means that if the only period that I am to attend on Teusday does just so happen to be English (of all the lessons on my timetable) I am really gonna have to face the music. I'm fricken SCREWED.

But thats not whats worrying me the most at the moment. No. I woke up this morning, after having a dream. YES, it was one of THOSE dreams, one of my bloody romantic dreams, one of my love-inducing dreams. And you'll NEVER guess who it involved, why, of course, it had to be EMMA. My closest friend other than Maisie, joy of joys, the one whos in love with her BOYFRIEND, joy of joys! Oh and in my infinate stupidity, I went and TOLD Maisie that I had the dream, how incredibly intelligent of me. Because, of course, I may be Maisie's closest friend, but when she gets into one of those moods, and Emma's still on her good side while I'm on the other, oh my God, things are gonna get more than a little awkward.

WHY HER? Of all the FRICKEN people in my WHOLE life, all the girls! All the possibilities! It had to be her! Jodie, that would be fine, maybe even Suzie, even if she is rejected by the other three girls (which I am always dissaproving of), but Emma? EMMA? WHY?

Of course, I'm not gonna do anything. I'm not even gonna hint. This has got to be the first time in my life where I've decided to keep my feelings under control, even if I did let it slip to Maisie.

I even swore to myself today, as the three of us were sat atop a hill overlooking a multicultural music festival, that I would only ever tell Maisie when she was in an understanding and reliable mood, a listening mood. I swore to myself.

But today, at least, at the end of the day, Maisie went in to a little bit of a mood, an awkward mood. She acted distant and cold, as if she disliked me for some reason. When I spoke to her on MSN, she was short, and INCREDIBLY uncaring. Oh, yeah, so of course, I decided to tell her. After I SWORE to contain it until the right moment, I told her, right at the moment I was trying to avoid. Oh how clever.

So when I did tell her, she was just like 'Oh, well theres nothing you can do about that'. I never said there was in the first place, and besides, thats not a response I would have desired from a best friend. So then I continue to say 'I'm not planning to do anything about it, believe me, but I mean, if these dreams continue, so will the feelings. And then it will be awkward in more ways than one'. Then she replies: 'yup'.

Thanks, it makes me feel a whole lot better to hear a nice, comforting, reassuring 'yup' from my best friend after I spilled my heart out. Oh, then Emma signed on. So I was all like 'CRAP'. Maisie was in one of those moods, she was, obviously, in a mood with me for some reason or another, which I can only think of as me failing to hug her as we said goodbye that day, and if she's still ok with Emma: oh dear. So I spoke to Emma anyway, cos we always do, I need to act as normal as possible, and I told her that I thought Maisie was a little upset with me for some reason, because she's being all short and cold. ANOTHER MISTAKE. Emma's the most honest person when it comes to friends, and so when she went to ask Maisie 'has Ollie upset you in any way?' she will inevitably add: 'because he thinks you're pissed off with him'. GREAT.

So she leaves soon after, and I'm anxious about Maisie telling her something I'd rather she didn't, and then Maisie talks to me again saying 'Emma says you think I'm pissed off with you, explain'. WELL isn't this a dandy place to be? Anyway, I told her the truth, I said I thought she was a little annoyed at me, and I said I thought it might be because I was spending too much time around her, and it was getting a little too much. She said I was wrong, and that she wasn't pissed off with me at all, but the fact she said goodbye to me when I left with little more than an 'ok' and a 'Bye' VOID of the two kisses she always follows it with pretty much assured me that she was lying.

So I'm sat here hoping a number of things, including 'I hope Maisie was just having a funny five minutes', 'I hope she said nothing to Emma', 'I hope I dont have English fourth period on Teusday' and 'I hope I'm not sounding extremely paranoid and insecure by the way I've described everything'.

So yeah, come tomorrow, when I've arranged to meet Maisie at her house along with Emma for a film marathon (which will include Moulin Rouge, of course) I'm gonna find out a lot about how Maisie handled today's situation.

On a good, nice note. I'm kind of looking forward to school, except for the English bit. And the French bit. And the Economics bit. And the science and maths bit. But apart from that, being year 11 sounds incredibly appealing. Top of the school, unorthdaox school days, priveleges that the lower years lack.

Uhh, haven't spoken to any online friends today. They all seem distant too, actually, 'cept my new found friend, TK, who I'm finding in my PM very often. I've made no progress on any fics. I've made no progress on reviews.

I've decided today that what I'm going to do is make a 'dream journal', and I'm going to record every single dream I dream every day, and save it. I'll probably post a few on LJ, but if I post them all, it will be completely overrun. I just need a notebook and pen ready for tomorrow morning, or the middle of tongiht, who knows.

Ok, I've said enough now, Bye!

0otaleo0 @ 2006-09-01T23:14:00

2006-09-01T23:12:53Z

Shouldn't be too long today, I've not really got that much to talk about.

So today was ok, my brother and parents went to work so I had a free house. I begun by watching Moulin Rouge first of all. Then I wrote a bit of my fic, the title-less one, and then I began playing Oblivion. That kinda carried on for the rest of the day I think...

Oh GOD, I've done no essays. Three days to write two full essays. Is that possible? Someone tell me, I need to find hope!

Anyway, I spoke to Maisie about Moulin Rouge today, she hasn't even seen it. I insisted that she watch it on Monday, our last day off, with me along with two other films. A film day kinda thing, should be fun.

Tomorrow I should be going to Pizza Hut with Emma and her friend called Ami. Jodie was meant to go, but she decided not to, and neither did Maisie. I dont know if anybody else is going, and now I'm a little bit reluctant. Emma has many friends outside our group, friends I'm not that comfortable around...but you know, I think I'll go anyway, at least I know Emma enough.

Sam called me yesterday, and said we should go to the cinema tomorrow. Thing is, he's also inviting two boys named Jamie and Mike along, two boys I'm not that fond of to be quite honest. I asked Maisie if she'd go with me, but she's feeling a bit weird at the moment, a bit of teenage depression I think. So tomorrow, I should be going out twice, both times with people I'll be completely uncomfortable around. How am I going to survive this?

ESSAYS. I'm screwed. So screwed. I'm screwed, I'm screwed, I'm screwed, I'm screwed. Oh well, at least I have LJ and my friends. I'd feel so much better if I had love, I'd forget about schoolwork entirely but NO, I have no love.

Maisie said I should go out with Jodie. Jodie's lovely, good looking and everything, but I dont know, its not THAT special between us. I dont think anything good will emerge anyway.

So some people voted Scraps thread 4 stars. *Ehem* yeah, right, I get five star average for my piece of crap Paco, but SCRAP gets four. REAL MATURE SPPF. Jealousy at every turn, I'm telling you.

Oh well.

So...I spoke o Fenit. He asked me to marry him, then cancelled the engagement soon after when I offered to hug him D+.

I just thought. When us teenagers are at this stage in our life, when we have many responsibilities, especially regarding school or college, and we try to intertwine those responsibilities in with our social and leisure life, many often find themselves wighed down by the prospect of those repsonsibilities. So like, you'd be texting someone or something one minute, then you suddenly think about your essay and you just think 'ugh'.

But I've found I can reverse that. I think about my essays and think 'ugh', but then, I think about how much it really doesnt matter, and how the most I'll recieve is a detention, and how I know I'll get it done anyway, and how I know that although school can pave the way for a happy future, it isn't the ONLY thing that enures a happy future. I mean, not everyone who dropped out of school or failed to succeed plunged into a life of depression and poverty. HELL, loads of people are out there, and a pretty big damn majority of them are as happy as can be. I always thought school was the only thing that could provide happiness, but it isn't, not at all. School is a smidge in life, its not the provider of happiness.

Besides, most of the successful people usually wind up with boring jobs.

I long for an unpredictable life, a life I live as it comes, so if I leave school and fail (which I'm not gonna do, btw), I dont care, I can just build my way up. I've always thought that living on the street wouldn't be that bad. Who cares if you have no home? You can enjoy the world while every one else is cooped up inside, dreading the essays they have to write, planning the next day like some kind of work assignement, probably in accordance to a work assignment. How crap would that be.

I want to write for the rest of my life. To create stories, my own fantasy world that I control. I can become lost in it, I dont care about the real world then.

But then, above those prospects, another thing I think about when essays and responsibilities begin to tug at my reluctance, is my friends, and my family. The people I love, and who love me equally. I think about my friends and I just think about the times when I'm with them, whenever I'm with them, I'm happy. Every time, they make me happy, no matter what. They help me forget my troubles, they're just so awesome. Whenever I approach the end of the holidays, I begin to dread school, and all its struggles. But for some reason, somethign I couldnt explain before, whenever I get to school, I enjoy it. Every day, I enjoy it. And then I arrive home and I can't think for the life of me why I enjoyed it. But now I know that it has always been my friends, my peers, every damn person in that school. Its the people, the socialising, thats what makes a school.

Then above it all, the one thing that comes to my mind is love. It is the sole most important thing in this world, it just makes school seem like a dirt patch on a white shirt. When I think about how I'll fall in love, nothing matters really. Thats all you need.

So yeah, thats why I'm still not depressed! I have to go to bloody bed now though, I'll have to sign on to MSN first thing tomorrow to get hold of Emma and Sam, make the arrangements and stuff.

Thanks for reading,

BYE!

A LOOOOOOONG story

2006-09-01T00:19:37Z

You know, I was supposed to have posted on the 28th, then post every day until the end of August - by doing so I would have created a lovely '2' pattern on my calender post dates. Oh well, I forgot D=.

I should be depressed right now, and yesterday I thought I was going to be, simply because I'm back to school this approaching Teusday. But I'm not. I'm not sure why, but it might have been caused by 'Moulin Rouge' and my friends. And my birthday of course! Which was yesterday...well, now it was two days ago 'officially'...well it was on the 30th.

Ok, so I'll start my entry (which is gonna be another long one) with the day before my birthday.

[FROM HERE WILL BEGIN A MASSIVE BIT ABOUT MY LIFE WITH MY FRIENDS - IF YOU'RE BORED OF MY CRAP KIP THIS BIT =P]

I woke up with plans, plans for a birthday treat organised by my four closest friends in the world. It was dinner at a place called 'Frankie and Bennie's' an Italian-American restaraunt which never fails to tantalize my tastebuds (whatever that phrase means). I was enjoying the day at first by playing Oblivion (best RPG in the WORLD), and I wasn't too enamoured by the whole dinner thing at that point.

[HISTORY TIME]

I dont know why, but dinner with friends seemed so less special than say dinner with my close family. I think I thought that because ever since now, throughout most of my life, my real life friends had never treated me with a certain level of respect that friends usually give. My friends never really seemed to care about me, I was one of those people that kind of just made up the numbers in the gang. Sure, I had friends, they were people I could talk to and stuff, but their was never a connection anywhere, never a bond. This was when I was in a gang of male friends, who were all in to basketball, gangstas, private jokes, all that crap. I was never part of these private jokes, they've alway been more tight-knit in their own ways, in their own little groups, and I had nobody to be tight-knit with, really. I could never feel respect from anybody. If I told em all I was gonna hang out with other people, they wouldnt give a crap, that kind of thing.

If a friend asked a friend to go and visit a teacher with them for a few minutes, a friend would do that, right? No problem. I used to circle round my closest of friends, begging them to come with me somewhere, and I'd be rejected all the time. I wasn't really respected at all. I have never, in real life, had a 'best friend', someone who makes you top priority, someone you can talk to without fear of reprecussions, someone you can ask for mature advice, or someone who respects you as much as you respect them.

Then, of course, came Art. The big two years of my life that held so many diary stories up until now (I did have my own diary other than LJ). Art saw many things, various romantic interests, periods of depression, periods of glory, success, failure, new bonds, broken bonds - it taught me a lot more than just Art, and thats because it played such an important part for those two years of my school life. It brought so much stress that for a time, all I could ever think about was Art and my future regarding Art.

One of the things Art gave me over the past two years was new friends.

So in Art, I used to sit next to one of my male friends, one of the basketball-and-gangsta-and-private jokes-gang friends (I have no idea how I wound up with those guys, honestly...). Actually, he and I had a pretty good relationship, I held a lot of respect for him (which he never returned outside of the classroom), he was hilarious and really helped me get through a day of grueling Art and Design. Then of course (we, including two other boys, were the only males in the class), our jokes and constant chatting managed to get us seperated. In fact, Miss was unhappy with the whole seating plan of the classroom and in the end, I ended up on a table filled with girls. For some reason, Ashley (my male art friend) was put on a table of boys (which numbered about four, after Mike moved in to our class), which landed me an an awkward position.

I myself was sat on one half of the table, next to a girl named Maisie. From then on in, we became acquaintances, only friends because of Art, not really that much of a bond, but soon (and I forgot how) it grew in to a proper friendship. Suzie was on my table as well, and she was friends with Maisie in the first place, so we became friends as well. So that went on for ages, and I dont know how it happened entirely, but our friendship managed to get me hanging around with a group of girls at break, instead of my male friends. Maisie, Suzie, Emma, Dalia, Chantelle and occasionally Jodie was the group, and I was welcomed in with open arms.

The reason I loved this group so much, was because they noticed me, and they respected me. Maisie became my best friend, and its a true relationship. Suspicions have risen many times about me being gay, which I'm not at all, and about Maisie and I sharing more than just friendship, which we're not, and I couldnt care less about it all.

[HISTORY ENDED]

So anyway, back to the day before birthday. I was used to going out, and I recieved a birthday gift once from two best friends back in year eight (we went to the cinema and they bought my ticket), but it wasn't too special, and nobody really cared after that.

So I decided to get ready for meeting at Maisie's house at six. I straightened my hair, wore my best shirt, wore aftershave, and everything. Although I didnt expect much, just an average day out really, I wanted to do something because this was the day before my birthday. Hell, I thought the girls were just treating this as a day out, I didnt think they were actually doing it for my birthday.

But I arrived at Maisies, and she'd gone to get her haircut, and nobody had arrived. I waited for a bit with her little sister (in silence - awkward), and soon Maisie and Emma arrived. Then my heart went. They were dressed up. They had made an effort. Emma was wearing high-heeled boots that she despises and doesn't even wear for her boyfriend. And they carried a present and a card.

I felt so special then, my friends have never put such effort in just for me. Jodie arrived soon after, dressed up also, and then Maisie. They dissapeared upstairs and soon came back down, and Maisie was dressed up and carried a carrier bag with a present and card. EFFORT.

That night was one of the best nights out I ever had. Probably THE best night out. Everything went according to plan, the dinner was fantastic, and Emma even managed to get the Waitress to play 'Happy Birthday' on a tape while serving my desert with a candle in it. I loved it, and I love those four so much now.

When I got my phone, Maisie text me twice, and today I went round Emmas with Maisie and Jodie, and had a great time.

[FINISHED]

So if you did read that (I dont blame you if you didnt XD) then thats why I'm not depressed, because I love my friends so much and I cant be unhappy with them around.

SO, on my birthday, it was rather lazy. I recieved: A mobile phone (one of those ultra thin ones with flat buttons and stuff), five DVDs (Fun with Dick and Jane, Two Brothers (dont know why I got that one O.O), Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, No Doubt Live in the Tragic Kingdom (awesome) and MOULIN ROUGE!!! (My favourite), a MANGA (how cool is that??), a CD (The Automatic), a box filled ENTIRELY with sweets (O...M...G...I love it), deodorant, some digital camera tapes, and 20 pounds. I think thats all, and all in all, I think thats fantastic! I'm grateful for all my presents. Oh yeah! I also got a banner coupon from Chesh, and my choice of either a THOUSAND hugs, cookie dough flavoured Ice Cream and a mexican wave from a crowd of ants from Katiekitten (she's so cool) - I chose the hugs! Though SPPF froze up on me when I tried to tell her that via PM, which kinda sucks.

So I watched Moulin Rouge today. Officially my favourite film in the world ever. I love it so much.

My mum and my brother are back to work and school tomorrow, so I have a free house. I'll be watching Moulin Rouge again, I'll be playing Fatboy Slim really loud and I'll hopefully write something. Oh, and play Oblivion, and talk to my friends. I love days alone.

SPPF news: I've written a tiny bit more on Vito, made no further progress on my mystery story and I actually wrote a bit more of ASOPB, though its so small its hardly worth mentioning. I've made no progress on reviews, for any of the people I've promised at the moment. I'm still on chapter two in WIQ, and I've yet to look at Video's Johto fic. Aeon's been released, before September, probably the news of the fanfic forum. Out emerge the glory-haters and the jealousy-gushers and the praise-givers and the ass-lickers. Wooops, did I say that last part? ^^.

XD I dont know why I'm saying that, I licked ass big time when I was new. Take that however you like, it can be metaphorical or physical, whichever you please.

So yeah. That took an hour...WHOO. READ THAT! I wonder if this beats my first post? I wonder if anyone will actually READ this? I still need to do another one of those quiz things too...

Oh well, I guess I'll go to bed now and give my keyboard a rest. Well done if you got this far, and I appreciate it ^^.

BYE BYE!

0otaleo0 @ 2006-08-22T22:40:00

2006-08-22T22:00:57Z

Well its ALMOST week space. I had an urge to post, so I did.

To begin another LJ post: Maisie's gone AGAIN! She's gone to a camp somewhere, for yet another week. This means three things: No friends for a week (excluding online), time to do coursework which I'm probably not going to do, and more time for writing. Only one of those points are good D=, and it isn't the coursework one.

Bloody coursework! I have to do THREE essays in two weeks! Oh CRAP, I'm gonna die! I think theres more I have to do as well...I just can't bring myself to write an essay for fear of dropping down dead out of sheer boredom. I honestly feel as if writing an essay right now would ACTUALLY drive me crazy. How am I supposed to write ESSAYS in the HOLIDAYS?? D=D=D=. I also have to read 'Of Mice and Men', but Fenit said that was an easy read, so I'm not as concerned. Though, I do have to complete some massive character file thing as well.

I dont know why I tell you this, its not gonna help at all. People read this and think 'I'd hate to be him'. Or maybe not, depending on their situation. Hell, why am I posting in a journal? o.o. Why do I have an urge to tell people about my life? Is this like attention-seeking or something?

Oh well, I'll continue doing it anyway, because I have no valid reason not to ^^.

SO. Writing! I have been on FIRE with this new fic of mine. Not the Vito one, thought thats still alive, but another one that I randomly began a week or two ago. I'm loving it at the moment, though. Although, I have gone overboard on description again, all that stuff Fenit hates. I'm gonna try to leave that out with Vito, but theres no turning back with this one now. The first chapters quite confusing as well. I still need to write a prologue.

Anyway, its oodles of fun. I think I might actually get something posted! Though I doubt I'll get many readers apart from my closest friends, I'm not the most active of people, and I've only been posting previews so far - none of which I've continued with. Hell! I'll be surprised if anyone reacts, I've just started and stopped every single thing I've written! BLOODY HELL! I'm like the most indecisive person alive! O.O.

Well that just sucks. I might have to make a new account in secret, and make a fic I actually continue with. The only one that reached a fair amount of chapters was 'The Hoenn Chase'. That was fun to write. Why can't I do that with every one??

Oh well, I'm sure this one will go further, I've actually planned it AND written some of it out, so its doing better than most (aside from Vito which is doing similarly). I also drew a scene from this fic as well ^^ I need to scan it in and then post it here or something. Its certainly not of fan-art standard, thats for sure o.o.

Oooh, seven minutes before Lost comes on, gotta go faster!

My RPG has gone and dieded again D=. Saffire posted though (thanks Saffire), but DKz and Lemurian have dissapeared! Its slowly reaching page two, and I can't revive it! My characters are supposed to be plot-pushers not fully participating characters! Raposa might post something though, hell, maybe the others will, maybe I'm getting too panicky too soon.

No love life news. Flat out! This is the ONLY post with no love life news! Or maybe the other one had no love life news...its been pretty dormant for a while. Wait till I get back into my Economics classes, then they'll be pouring out of my like...a liquid substance...

Umm, umm, umm...Ohh, THREE MINUTES.

I've been speaking to EC a bit more recently, it looks like he's back on AIM and more active ^^ thats Summer Holidays for you!

Oh, I gotta go, I'll probably make another post, or edit this one, after LOST!

SEE YOU LATER!

OH YEAH! I started reading Fenit's 'Whirl Island Quest' and I'm going strong! But these chapters are massive! I'm struggling to read em all in one go!

OK BYE!

0otaleo0 @ 2006-08-16T20:11:00

2006-08-16T19:48:03Z

I can NOT believe its been a week since my last entry. NO WAY! I'm SO in denial *humph*.

Well that fricken sucks, a WEEK? Thats a week out of the weeks of our holidays! AND THERES ONLY TWO LEFT. I feel like I've done nothing!! Well, it may be partly due to the fact I havent, but I'm still refusing to acknowledge that.

Anyway. What happened since last Wednesday? Well, no dreams, for one thing. Bet you all love that eh? Ehehehehaheh. Yeah, no notable dreams since my last little story, but thats because I've not been thinking about Kerry all that much recently. Ok, can't remember what happened on the Thursday. Or on the Friday. I probably did nothing.

On the Saturday, we had a nice little family barbecue. We invited my aunt and uncle from my dad's side, and an aunt and uncle from my mums side to join us in a nice barbecue (which was like SO overdone and fussed over...but it was a lovely result)my newest top got a few compliments, which makes me feel nice ^^. Also, I need to get an editing suite for my computer so I can do this wedding video for my Aunt's duaghter, my cousin. She was married a couple of months ago, and I need to make a nice video for it. Anyway, nothing much else happened that day except MY BEST FRIEND MAISIE RETURNED! I spent most of that night talking to her, and its like everythings back to normal now, and I've actually been DOING stuff since she came back.

On the Sunday, I went out with my four best friends to go shopping in town. I didnt buy anything except lunch with Suzie and Emma, we ate at subway, while Maisie and Jodie got a KFC. You know KFC slaughter chickens? Did you know that? I was disgusted...

After that, we went round Emmas for a little while, and Ann-Marie came over. Not friends with Ann, but she's best friends with Emma, and she was sleeping over that night.

The next day, I was invited around Emma's again, so I went round at seven. After having fun playing computer games and watching things on YOutube and speaking on msn and talking and doing whatever other things we could do in the living room, I left to walk home...wait for it...IN THE DARK! The DARK! Oh, what a nerve-wracking experience it was, walking the streets of darkness, occasionally glancing behind me, praying for a car to pass every five seconds. Not because I wanted to be kidnapped, but because I wanted a witness incase something did happen. Actually, now that I think about it, maybe I shouldnt have wished for cars to pass...

Whatever, the next day, yesterday, I did nothing all day, UNTIL 9:00. Which was when Ainsley called for me. Ainsley, if you've forgotten, is that sexy boy who wants to win Kerry over.

Yeah, he and Mox (another one of my male acquaintances), both called for me at NINE o clock. It was dark out, and I never go out in the dark. But you know how I've been saying how I need to call for Ainsley, so I thought I'd go for it, they're pretty tough men, I'd be protected.

So I went out, and we went to the most SECRETE area imaginable. I thought it was a stupid idea, it was quiet, away from any roads, and there were bushes everywhere. But we were ok in the end. So we sat down and talked.

I was surprised actually, from what we spoke about, in many ways. First of all, Ainsley made it apparent that he was actually looking for a real, proper relationship, and that he didnt want to get into a relationship at his age. Fair enough for him, 'cept he also revealed exactly what my suspicions indicated, he HAS been trying to win Kerry over. However, I'm safe, he doesnt want a relationship, he just wants sex. So yeah, I was like, 'whatever, retard'. Well I wasn't really, we made quite good friends after that.

And today, I did nothing XP. I'm supposed to be writing essays and doing homework, but I CANT! I just cant! Its so annoying...

Ok, I'm off to write more on 'Vito'. Tomorrow, I'm off to a picnic then sleeping round my cousins', so I wont be entering anything here, and I wont be on aim. So yeah.

BYESIE BYES!

CARS

2006-08-09T20:11:47Z

So, I saw Cars today. Thats the highlight of me day! Cars. The pixar movie, I mean.

It was quite good actually, of course, like every teenage nowadays, I'm growing to dislike certain, cheesy aspects of disney films ('cept POTC, that still rocks). But it was highly enjoyable ^^. I watched it with my little brother Sam, which would seem like a disaster waiting to happen, but we got through ok, even if their was the odd snap. We got along fine ^^.

I liked the credits bit, where they're in the cinema watching Cars versions of every other Pixar film, then the truck goes 'That voice actor's great' to 'Ham' from TS, the little flea from BL, and the 'Abonibal Snowman' from MI, because he's the same voice actor for all of them XD. I loved that part.

Otherwise I STILL HAVEN'T BEEN OUT. D=D=. And to make things worse, I didn't dream about her last night ;-;.

Which pretty much makes this a VERY short LJ entry, I can't ramble on about love without my inspiration! What am I to do?

Oh, wait, actually there was something I was going to mention. My RPG was revived ^^. Being completely new to owning an RPG, I expected to see it die, but to see it revived again was very nice to see =D.

However, I have been doubting my game-mastering skills. I think I might be upsetting RPers with ,y characters. Well, DKzM0mA anyway, I had my leader, Baron, have a go at his character, which I hope hasn't upset him. I mean, he seems like a very decent guy. Thing is, he got lairy to Baron, I just couldn't let him get away with it, Baron had to display his authority! D+. Oh well, I just hope more people will reply sooon.

But not dreaming about Kerry has made me sad. I was kind of hoping I'd bump into her while at the cinema, theres a large shopping center around it, so it wouldn't be unlike her to turn up there for some reason. But I'm just being overly-hopeful, what I need to do is either tell Ainsley so that he can call for her with me, or just talk him into calling for her with me without actually giving off any hints.

UUUURRRRGGHHH. I dont know what to do anymore, every time I've actually gone in to do something about my feelings, I'm constantly rejected! IRONIC thing is though, now that I dont feel things for these people who rejected me, I now stand more of a chance with them than I ever have. One even now feels things for me! Whats up with that?

I'm just reluctant now to actually say anything, I've always been that way, but I ended up saying something to someone every time. I dont know what I can do to make things go MY way, in love.

But I still love it ^^. Its all a wonderful drama =D.

OH WELL. Nothing more to post really. Well there probably is, but these three AIM convos are distracting me! You dont have to read through a seemingly endless entry this time though, eh? =D.

Well, BYESIE BYE.

0otaleo0 @ 2006-08-08T11:35:00

2006-08-08T11:07:45Z

Well I've nothing to do, just sat here waiting to leave to get me haircut =DD. I always get this dilemma before visiting the hairdressers, sat in anxiety, pondering over how I can make my hair wacky and stylish. Then I end up choosing the same style because I'm too scared D=.

But this time, I have a reason to do something cool with it. I have someone to impress! It's like a primal, insticntive thing like when birds show off their dazzling crests to the females, or stags strut around with the knowledge that their antlers are ten times as big as the other poor, weedy stags that mull around at his feet. Us humans are animals too.

Thing is, what if she doesn't like my new hairstyle? What will I do then? I'll have to buy one of those sun hats I've been looking at for ages and wear it constantly. I'll sort it all out in the end...

And yes, I had another dream about her last night. Which is actually VERY surprising, because I usually never end up dreaming about the last thing I think about before dropping off. If I think about chocolate cake before I go to sleep, I wont have chocolate cake, but I'll have fizzy drink instead, or some other reletively edible food item, or maybe not a food item at all. Whatever the case, I wouldn't usually get the cake.

But this time, I dreamed about her again! And she was the last thing I thought about.

But this dream wasn't like the others, this dream portrayed my fears about a possibility to get closer to her, all at once.

So here's how it began *brace yourselves*...

I found myself walking down a familiar street, a street that I think I must have been walking down with the intention of calling for my best friend, Maisie (who's on a sailing holiday for a week D+). While walking down this street, all alone, I suddenly caught sight of a very large group of people. Chavs, loads of them, a huge gang walking right towards me. I dont like chavs, least of all when they're in a group and I'm all alone down an empty street, so I went to turn a corner. Then I caught sight of her, right in the middle of them.

She's always associated with those kinds of people, and thats what I'm scared of most of all, and she's one of those girls who would actually be in one of those large, noisy, intimidating gangs - you know, one of the females whose presence boosts the confidence of the males.

Anyway, just as sight of her (I remember her wearing a blue top), I heard a voice right next to me 'There's Kerry'. I turned to see who it was, and there was Tom, the boy I mentioned yesterday, the one I went out with on Saturday and completely buried in grass (XD that was great). I still continued down the road, a little happier now that one of my friends was at my side.

But then we were followed by the group, in fact I remember hearing someone say 'lets follow them'. So it was really quite scary having this group of chavs follow us, with her right in the center of them.

Can't remember much after that, but that was the most recent dream, and a dream thats kind of caused my hesitation to grow.

But oh well, it was only a dream.

So I dont know what I'm doing after the hairdressers. I think the first thing I'll do is attempt to contact someone who I know will go out. Best person to ask would be Ainsley himself, the boy I mentioned yesterday, the smexy one. I've already asked him to call for me at some point during the holidays, and he's yet to do so, so I'm going to urge him on.

In other news, it would appear EC actually still retains an intention to update his story! I was going to reply to his thread, but I didn't know what to say without spamming it up. But I'm happy in any case, he just needs to get a hold of the chapter, apparently. I'll hanker him.

Video is working on a long-ass review for Saber, and I got a sneak peek of the first chapter. DAMN its long, he's got to intricately study every single chapter of Saber's fic, thats 41 chapters. 41!! I told him he has his work cut out, but he seems prepares enough. I said to him yesterday, this review will go down in history.

Fenit said he'd be away for a while, and consequently I didn't see him yesterday. I still haven't made much progress on that story we've planned out, but its on the top of my list. ITS GOING TO BE DONE. Though, the fact that I'm concentrating on this fic kind of puts ASOPB to one side...but I'll try to do both, who ever said males can't multitask?

Patty blocked Video again. I'll have to talk to her, try to explain why Video wrote that fic of his. Because it is a shame that she blocks him, I mean, he wants to talk to her, its sad to be blocked when you were rudely rejected beforehand by another.

I haven't done much on the forums recently. No posts in ages. I usually try to aim for the threads with no replies, though when I doreply to those threads, my reply is rarely replied to, which kind of makes me feel as rejected as the thread-starter would have been had I not actually replied to him. So its like I'm taking the rejected feeling from them and putting it on myself which is stupid.

I went to rant at this guy yesterday, in the newbie section, because he called this person a noob, even though the guy wasn't whatsoever. And I hate it when people take their teenage angst and anger out on people who are inexperienced with forums, so I wrote out a full-on rant in the reply box. THing is, when I went to post it, the damn thread was closed DX. I was too late. However, the mod who closed it said to the attacker that his accusation was unneeded, which was basically what I was going to say anyway, so its all good!

8th of August! 22 days until my birfday! I think I'm getting a phone, and MAYBE a second-hand laptop. MAYBE. Its a lot to ask for, a laptop, birthday or not.

So this means I'm taking suggestions on what to get SUGGEST ME PRESENTS EVERYBODY. I'll make a list of ever single suggestion over these 22 days.

Guess I'd better shut up now before this post becomes as long as yesterday's one. Well, at least...WAIT.

I saw a film yesterday, called 'The Girl Next Door'. I LOVED IT. And not because it was all about pornography. I loved the idea of such a romantic bond between these two people overcoming the fact that she has a job that could get her any man she wanted, and all because he would look upon her with pure love instead of lust. It just goes to show that love is so much better than lust, lust sucks. Also, the character of the porn director, Kelly, was so damn cool =D I loved his hair, too.

Anyway, I need to shut up. What I WAS going to say was at least this entry wasn't overflowing with my love stories, eh? Oh, and I need FENIT AND PATTY to reply, so I can add them as friends. Then I'll have a five-people posse going on.

Ok, I'm being told to pack away some dishes, so I'll probably post again later today.

BYE!

A new LJ!

2006-08-07T21:55:46Z

After reading a few LJs recently, and failing to cope without recording my life somewhere, I was overwhelmed by the urge to create a new LJ, and so I did. I actually got off me arse, went upstairs to the computer that actually works, and created a new account. I forgot the password to the other one, so yeah...silly me. But hopefully I'll be posting a lot more this time, becuase this time, its the SUMMER! WHOOOOO

Third week in though, I feel like I've done nothing and I'm almost half-way through D= getting anxious! I have to do something life-changing and crazy during this six-week period or the holidays will be wasted! So far I've been out about six or seven times, the whole of last week was spent indoors!

I've been buying myself loads of t-shirts though, 'twas first thing I did once I entered the holidays, went out to town with two of my friends and got meself two thsirts. Then two more later. I had no thsirts beforehand and it's the summer, so I had to get loads before was over already. We had a recent heatwave, too. Apparently I'm bad to shop with, too fussy, I was driving my friends mad because I rejected every top they spotted. Thing is, every top on sale nowadays is either pink, striped, or both. And I hate those things. But I've got a nice collection of brown tshirts now, which match my shoes! =D

Anyway, aside from my random shopping story I've been doing very little over the past week and a bit. I've spent most of my time playing oblivion, writing (or trying to), watching TV and eating. I need to get out.

I did go out Saturday though, it was rather fun. After two of my friends and I (different friends from the shopping duo) kind of circled the city, we chilled out on the grass and completely buried Tom in grass XD. We did a fantastic job, I must say, got a few good photos of it, too. We then met up with another group of homies, who I dont really socialise with much fur to the fact they take lots of drugs and drink until drunkenness all the time. I seem to be the only one out of ALL of my friends who doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't indulge in drugs and is still a virgin. Thats what the teenagers have turned into nowadays! Soon we'll have six-year-olds participating in outrageous stag-nights!

Story-wise though, Fenit (IceKing) and I have been on fire with a few stories, including one we're both partisipating in. He gave one of his ideas to me yesterday, in addition to another one he gave to me a few months ago, and we were brainstorming on that for ages. I think I might actually get something up on SPPF soon, other than crappy old Paco! Although, I've written nothing on it thus-far. But hey, ideas first.

Now that everything else is out of the way, its time for something that no entry of mine is without. Something that always manages to consume most of the space in this here little entry box. Something that I'll mention throughout all the time and something that could possibly annoy you no-end (hey, you chose to read this). ROMANCE.

Yep, yep, my life is still full of romance. Or rather, still ruled by romance. I remember getting rather depressed over it beforehand, but now, I can only be happy about it. Even though I'm still single and have been for like, five or so years.

Yes, I still have feelings for certain people, but these people are actually different from the ones in my previous LJ. This change happens a lot, actually. But thats because nothing happens with any of them!

But yeah, theres another girl.

Best place to start with this wholesome story would be with a bit of information I told my closest friends the other day. I love dreams for many reasons. Firstly, its because I very, very rarely have nightmares, I haven't had one in ages *TOUCH WOOD*. Secondly, its because my dreams often inspire me in many ways. My dreams help me write stories, they help me with decisions in life and they help me get in to a good mood first thing in the morning. Well, that depends on what I dream about. Thirdly, whenever I dream about me, and another, female person being romantically involved in some way or another, such as holding hands, embracing, or even kissing, I wake up and I fall in love with that person. Usually no matter who it is. It's happened for so long now, its impossible not to notice and the feeling is impossible to ignore upon awakening.

Anyway, its that third one that happened to me a few weeks ago. I can't much remember what happened in the first dream, but I'm sure it involved us getting close during a particualr lesson of mine. I've had two more since then, but first some info on the girl.

I've known her more closely since the beginning of the Summer term. I knew her before, and she knew me, back when I was still doing art (THAT GNVQ IS FINALLY OVER!! I get the results on the 24th...), but it was one of those distant, petty realtionships. We'd only joke around and stuff. It was only because I was closer with one of her friends.

But when the summer term came, Art finally finished, and in came a new lesson: Economics. Its a college course, and we're basically guinea-pigs, testing out whether its a good idea to have or not. Anyway, she's in the same lesson, but this time, the class is smaller. There are also few females in this class (not for sexaul reasons, I hasten to add, its because most females opted for the second option: Critical Thinking (how to argue)), and she knew me more than most of the other males in the class, scratch a few.

Recently, she's sat next to me, and our relationship has grown. She's always been good-looking, and known to be good-looking, so this isn't a feeling of desperation. Anyway, during this time-period she's sat next to me, I've been teased by a particular male friend of mine, who'd say that she was flirting with me, and that I had a good chance with her.

Reluctant as I am, I didn't believe him, and refused to make a move or say anything about it to anyone. I still dont believe she was flirtatious, but was just being friendly like she would.

Anyway, this boy, my friend who seemed to only become particularly interested in me as soon as I got closer to this girl, is well-known in my school for being insanely cool, and athletically fit. He knows this, and over the years has grown cocky and arrogant, believeing that he could pull just about any girl he'd like (though, like me, he's been single for about the same time - proably just as fussy or reluctant inside).

One day, during an Economics lesson, this friend of mine asked the girl a question: would she rather go out with him, or with me. To both our surprise, she chose me over him. Ever since, he's been convinced that this means she actually wants to go out with me, when I know she doensn't.

Anyway, after this, it would seem his confidence was knocked a bit. He then asked the same question to this girl's best friend, who again, chose me. This then caused him to get a little closer to me. He's been more sociable towards me, as if I've earned his respect or something.

But what happened after that, it seemed this friend of mine didn't like the idea of him being second-best, and he's recently been very flirtatious towards this girl. During lessons, he'd whisper to her while she was sat next to me, or use sign-language over the table. Also, seeing as I still wasn't interested, and I'd be occupied with my closest group of friends, he would invite her out very often.

From this I've come to think that he's trying to win her over. And once this realisation hit me, I felt a little...regretful. I felt sad that she could possibly like his charm, and could possibly fall for him. Usually, I wouldn't care, but in this case, I felt a bit saddened.

So we entered the holidays, and I last saw her in the last lesson of the year. I thought nothing of it. Then I had the dreams, three of them.

In the first dream, I simply got close to her during an Economics class. It was as if we were already in a relationship, and we were sharing a moment of intamacy. It was after this dream that I woke up with a small feeling, a small fancy for this girl. It wasn't big, and I was sure I'd get over it, but then came the second.

This one was last Thursday. I remember this more vividly. I was amongst a small group of school peers, it was night time and we were all standing in open plains. Nearby was a a float, a large opened van with decoration inside, and a sweet stall, one of those caravan-type things you'd find at a fair full of sweets. Well, in this group was this girl, along with about ten others.

She was rather bubbly in this dream, and all attention was on her as she somewhat performed in front of the crowd. I was sat on the float, watching with admiration as she did so. Then came a point when we were all sat on the grass, and she came over, sat inbetween my outstretched legs, and lay back on me, positioning her shoulder below my chin, so that our faces were touching.

Now its moments like that that I crave, its moments like that that drive me crazy, and in this dream, I experienced one of those moments with this girl. I woke up, and the feeling was just immense. I knew I'd feel it again afterwards.

Since then I've been trying to contact my male friend, so that we can go out together, and invite this girl, as he's the one who knows where she lives. But upon failing to do this, I've had another dream, one last night.

It was a simple one this time, nothing much. I was back at school, it was a new term and I was hanging around the usual place with my female friends (most of my friends are female, now), and then the girl walks up. We spoke about something, I dont know what it was, then she pulled my head towards her. At the last minute, and I dont know why, I turned my head and she landed a kiss on my cheek before she walked off. I woke up with the feeling again.

So here I am again, with another love dilemma. Yet again, I have a gut feeling that nothing will come out of this one, I know that she feels nothing for me. Yet again, I'm going to be grabbing every oppertunity just to see her through the holidays, only to ruin it with my lack of communication or whatever.

So I need to go out, and I need to go out and meet this girl. I've spoken to her on MSN a few times recently, and I'm sure she'd find a dead snail more interesting than me. So what I want to aim for, is to change, and and make her like me. I have to do something, at least.

AHHHHHHHHHHH, see how long that was? Did you enjoy that, sleepy LJ reader? Every post will be full of stuff like that I assure you.

Just before I actually leave, I thought I'd mention that little situation with Video and Saber, and more precisely his fic. It would seem that nobody realises how this guy is feeling, and nobody can understand or abide his rather graphic fic. I've replied to the many flames he got, it would seem I'm the only one that wants to support him. Its sad really.

Well thats that. My first new post. Now I need to figure out how to customise the appearance of my posts, and I'll be set to write many more for the future!

If you have managed to endure the story, do reply, it makes me happy to see people read what I've written, read about my life ^^ isn't everyone?

KK, BYE BYE until I get another story ^^.